I Won't Wait Much Longer
by loverofthelight
Summary: Trigger warning: suicide issues, etc. This is a story about the four marauders. Thee Hogwarts years as seen by each one of them: the problems, the love affairs, the mischief, the friendship, the despair. The boy with a dark secret, the one with a dark family, the lion that was too scared to say anything and the heart-breaker that had his heart broken.
1. Remus Lupin - I'm Sorry Brother

**Is there something darker than darkness itself?** If so, can one escape it? Will we be able to feel the light on our heads and breathe peacefully again? **Will we ever return to what we were?**

There are things in the dark - _moving, living, being_. **How do you stop them?**

And most importantly: how do you stop yourself…

…_if you're one of them?_

The moon wasn't so scary that night; it wasn't _one_ of those nights. Instead, the pale white light was reflected in the Black Lake's surface, making it look like silver. The cold winter breeze tousled Remus' hair against his eyes, brushing his back. He was completely alone, drowning in a silence that his thoughts insisted to end.

_Just a step_. Remus took a deep breath and wiped the water off his cheeks. He didn't quite know why though…soon, he'd be surrounded by water. He reached his right foot towards the edge of the platform.

"Off for a swim in the moonlight, Moony?", he heard a familiar voice behind him.

He flinched back and let out out a bitter chuckle before turning to face Sirius' figure.

"I- …erm", Remus started.

Sirius started to laugh lightly at him. The whole situation seemed strange. Remus wasn't the adventurous type…if it had been James standing there, sure…_but Remus?_

_And then it hit him._

His expression went from being amused to looking like he was about to throw up. He was burning up, Sirius could feel the anger building up inside himself. His heart was sinking, his stomach felt tied up in a knot, there was a lump on his throat…fear maybe?

"But…you…_you can't swim_."

Remus didn't know what to tell him. He just stood there and shrugged at him. Why did he have to be there? Why now?

"Remus, what are you doing? Step away from the edge of the platform… Let's go inside, huh? James was pranking some Slytherins and Peter-", hopefully Moony would do has he said, he was clever enough to do that…the cleverest actually.

"I don't want to go inside, Padfoot", Remus was looking at his feet feeling completely uncomfortable.

He felt choked but he wouldn't cry. He never did. In front of anyone. He wouldn't do it now. _Merlin, please let this end… Let it end. Let it end. Please._ Sirius started to walk towards him. But Remus was fast. He reached out his right foot, towards the water.

Death would embrace him. It would take him away and lay him down peacefully in a far off field where trouble didn't exist. No furry little problems. Death would take him and welcome him with joy. It would-

"_NO!_", Sirius cried. He reached for Remus just in time to grab him by his sleeve.

"Let go, Sirius. _Please_." The tears were already streaming down his face. He was begging.

"I won't!", he hanged on the sleeve. "Give me your hand."

For a second. A split second maybe, he thought about holding out his hand to Sirius. But he didn't do it. Instead, he grabbed the hand that held his sleeve and loosed himself. He was falling. All too fast and too slow at the same time. The last thing he heard was Sirius gasping and shouting out for help.

Remus could feel the water surround him as if they became one. There was only darkness. He couldn't breathe, he was sinking, blending in with the depths of the lake.

_It all went dark. Someone had turned off the light._

…


	2. Remus Lupin - I wasn't meant to be

You can never completely control fear.

Even the smallest of fears is able to take over the strongest hero. Fear can lead to cowardice and betrayal; fear can lead to death.

However, overcoming your fears isn't impossible.

_Even if the thing you fear the most is yourself._

Tick, tock.

_Tick, tock._

**_Tick, tock._**

The beats became clearer as Remus woke up, only to figure out he was in a white room.

"_What the…_?", he managed to say, though his throat felt soared like he'd eaten sand paper.

He was slowly starting to panic. Had he hurt someone? What happened? The last thing he could remember was-_oh, that's right…_ _**the lake**_. He closed his eyes, feeling the pain in his head, and saw the images from that night flashing before them: the lake, Sirius screaming, falling, sinking…

_The Hospital Wing_, Remus thought.

He heard the sound of steps approaching the spot where his bed had been placed. His eyes remained closed - luckily the person approaching would think him asleep. He couldn't stop thinking about what he would say to the rest of the boys.

The steps stopped. Remus peeked through his eyelashes and saw a tall figure standing behind the curtains that surrounded his bed.

The curtain moved and whoever that was standing on the other side had stepped in and was now sitting near him. He didn't know exactly who it was but he had a guess.

"I know you're awake", Sirius said. He sounded exhausted.

Remus sighed and replied almost in a whisper, "Well, I'm not. I'm sleeping"

His eyes were still closed.

"_Remus._"

"Shouldn't you be in class or something?!", he said peeved, "I'm still goddamn alive as you can see."

"Yes, I can see that."

"Just!…leave me alone, Padfoot."

"_No_", he insisted, "We need to talk. I brought some of your books and also chocolate…I-"

Sirius sighed. He wasn't the comforting type. He was more likely to shrug and move along when it came to these things. Not because he didn't care, just because he could never manage to get it right. That was not how he was taught. To live in The Noble House of Black there were a few rules that you needed to follow:_ first_, pain is meaningless;_ second_, it's best to ignore it.

He knew that wasn't quite true. Pain means something and, in most times, can't be ignored.

_This was Remus Lupin for Merlin's sake and Sirius Black would not abandon one of his best mates now!_

"Open your eyes, Moony. Come on."

So he did. Remus opened his eyes and saw him (Sirius I mean). He saw the face of a boy who seemed to have aged five years in only a matter of- _hours, days?_ He felt a bit more relieved though.

"How long was I asleep?", he asked Sirius.

"A day."

"_Hmm_."

"You were awake for, like, minutes when we got you here. Then you collapsed. You couldn't breathe and I started crying like a maniac. McGonagall couldn't stop staring at me. I think she was surprised I actually felt something", Sirius chuckled lightly, "you were trying to say something, I think you were telling me to shut up"

Remus laughed a bit, his chest was hurting.

"McGonagall was there?"

"Yeah, I had to call someone right? Luckily Hagrid was around the lake at that time and we managed to get help soon enough"

_Soon enough._ A grave expression had spread across Remus' face. He wondered what would have happened if they hadn't gotten there soon enough. He wondered where he would be now and if he would be happier. He couldn't tell if he was happy to be alive.

"Moony?", Sirius called, "Earth to Moony? What are you thinking of?"

"Nothing. You, crying!", he said almost mocking Sirius, "Where's James and Peter?"

"They-"

Suddenly, they heard the door opening.

"_Did you see his face?_", James laughed loudly.

"Shh, we're in the Hospital Wing, Prongs!", Peter hushed him, still giggling.

"**_Speaking of the devil!_**", Sirius smirked.


End file.
